Celebrating a Life - Jennifer Cox

When my husband, Nate, was asked to do a portion of our sister-in-law's funeral service, his biggest concern was that he wouldn't be able to sufficiently honor her. How, with mere words, can you pay tribute to such a life? He wanted to get it right - very right - and thus he actually typed out the majority of the message beforehand. (If you know him - you know that's rare.) I wanted to keep it for future reference, as many agreed that he did indeed get it right:

June 20, 2015
Psalm 23 - A shepherd who gave us a place of rest.

We are here to celebrate the memory of Jennifer Lea Riley Cox. How do we honor a life so well lived? How do we remember her in a way that will make us better and not bitter? 

People have often reflected in these days how Jennifer did not let cancer beat her. She beat cancer...she won. Now that may or may not be your perspective. It all depends on how you score the match. How do you define a winner? In a world of fallen heroes - a perfect champion meets what objectives in your mind? What does it take to make a real star in the ring?

A happy letter I like to read again and again has these rules for scoring, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life - in order that on the day of Christ (and I now paraphrase) Jennifer did not run or labor for nothing. But even if her life was poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, she is glad and rejoices with all of you. So, you too should be glad and rejoice with her." Philippians 2:14-17 Nate's International Version

If we keep score by looking at who fell to arguing, "Why me?!" then Jennifer obviously won. Cancer lost.

Cancer is a disease that takes more and more; it is a selfish monster that pushes its way in to grab anything valuable it can and it will not let go. Jennifer fought back to keep life and she did not ask, "Why me?" She did not complain. She WON.

But will you share in her victory? Did she pour out her life for nothing? Was it in vain? How will you honor her memory?

If you become selfish - arguing and complaining - questioning why you would lose something so precious - someone you feel you cannot go on without...and if you complain, if you insist on arguing and asking, "Why?"...if you hold onto bitterness and are not able to let go - cancer wins. Death wins.

That, in my mind, does not honor or represent what the LIFE of Jennifer has taught us.

What did Jennifer teach you? Reflect with me, as Lori and I did with her only two weeks ago as we sat with her on her living room couch. We were reminiscing and telling our precious sister-in-law, sister-in-love, what she meant to us and taught us. What she had modeled for us in the way that she lived and the philosophy of life she embraced. For me, all of that is best summed up by the word CELEBRATE.

So, in preparation to share this day, I did some searching to see what the Word of God had to say about celebration. I found a nice passage in the back of the Book of Esther (Esther 9:22) that helps shape my memories of what Jennifer taught. You may know that Esther was a queen in her time, but not in her own land. She won a beauty contest - must have been an extremely attractive young lady, perhaps with a "1,000 watt smile" like Jennifer's. The memory of Esther, how she poured out her life on behalf of her people, is still celebrated by the Jews on a holiday called Purim. So, here is what that celebration includes:

Giving gifts to the poor.

Observing the days as days of feasting, by giving presents of food.

Sorrows being turned to joy.

A reviewing of the record of victory over a ruthless enemy.

I hope in my brief memories of Jennifer, you will identify your own memories that convince you of the things she taught us by the way she lived her life.

Giving gifts to the poor
When Jennifer married into the Cox family, she immediately became Aunt to my four daughters, and in Jennifer's family, aunts and uncles gave gifts. This was a value modeled by the Riley/Clark families, and thus, within only months of becoming their aunt, she wanted to bless my little girls with a dream vacation. Jennifer had always wished upon a star - and that lovable little mouse had a place in her dreams. When Jennifer's aunt found out that Walt Disney World's job interviews are only five minutes long, as they know most of their employees will only have that much time or less to interact with guests, she knew Jennifer and her smile could get the job. She did, and landing that job at Disney Resorts gave her a way to pass on dreams to other little girls. Didn't she help you dream?

A family Florida vacation would have been way out of the question for this part-time preacher living on a tight budget - but they said just get here, and we'll put you up and get you in the park. And they did. TWICE! Saving up those employee passes and doing all she could to pass off my youngest ones as even younger ones...she got us ALL into Disney World for free. Wow! My mother-in-law remembers such an overwhelming feeling as we were all on the boat back after a long day at the park - just having her entire family there in that place. Jennifer excelled at always giving gifts - wonderful gifts. What can we learn from her?

Observing the days as days of feasting, giving presents of food
Part of being a guest in David and Jennifer's home was always enjoying presents of food - often new foods for us. I'll never forget our first trip to their apartment in Orlando. They wanted to feed us a shrimp feast, but, as a young Baptist preacher I was a bit apprehensive when I saw the case of beer on the kitchen cabinet. David explained to me that all of the alcohol would cook out, so serving beer boiled shrimp to my girls would not get them intoxicated. That meal is now one of our family's favorite celebration meals. Things like pico de gallo (the real deal, like they make it in Texas) smoked salmon with hot pepper jelly, and so many others. Giving gifts of delicious food and feasts just came naturally for her. Did Jennifer teach you anything along those lines?

Sorrows turned to JOY
It has been helpful for me to replace the word "enemy" with the word "cancer" as I've studied the scriptures these past few weeks. Cancer has long done battle with us, trying to take us down into sorrow. M.D. Anderson - Houston's battleground - was familiar to us long before Jennifer's diagnosis in 2011. My daughter's best friend, the daughter of my dear friend and cousin, was battling this enemy at far too young of an age, and Houston had become quite familiar to them. David and Jennifer's home, with the swimming pool out back, served as a lovely haven when we all converged there to visit and support our cousin's family. Celebrating their twins 16th birthday poolside, with an ice cream cake and balloons, provided a place of joy for a family who's memories of Houston are very sorrowful. Jennifer helped provide celebration in the midst of sorrow. And long before - probably right after we had just enjoyed our first beer boiled shrimp feast at David and Jennifer's - we got the phone call about our friend Cathy McDaniel's death following her own battle with cancer. The enemy was present long ago, trying to overwhelm with sorrow. We didn't realize then how Jennifer was already doing battle against it, with her celebrations and joy. Did Jennifer help YOU turn some sorrow and struggle into joy?

Reviewing the record of victory over a ruthless enemy

photo by Erin Carlyle

We study battles for centuries later, long after the final shots and victory cry. That is, if we want to be good soldiers and good generals, we do. That's how we learn. This room is full of the records of battle that Jennifer fought. The pictures tell it all. Fight with a smile. Never loose hope. Go somewhere that you've only dreamed of. Always have family around you. Enjoy God's creation - ride a dolphin and feel the rush of life. Embrace EVERYONE you meet and leave no strangers. Jennifer taught us that if you have just five minutes, it's enough time to make a friend. Immerse yourself in those friendships. Embrace life and the people in your life - that would be the lesson Jennifer taught me, and so many others, so very well. Did you learn anything by observing her battle?

Finally, those of us who watched her battle the enemy to the end knew that strength that Jennifer fought with so very well did not only come from within her. Jennifer had known God before, but the enemy caused her to know God better. His strength became her strength in the battle. I saw Jennifer's faith grow over these past years.

As we followed Jennifer's updates on Facebook and CaringBridge, we often heard her issue a call to prayer. Just like Esther asked her people to pray before laying her life on the line before her enemy, Jennifer asked us to pray. And we sensed that her requests for prayer were genuine and we saw that through those prayers, Jennifer's strength increased. That's the essence of how faith grows. 

I want to close with a passage from Ephesians that I first saw as our prayers for Jennifer, but later came to see this as her prayer for us. "For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:15-21

Evident Within Them

"because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse."  Romans 1:19-20

Grand Tetons, Wyoming, August 2005

I'm a nature lover, through and through. Have been ever since I can remember. Those flowers at grandma's house, the willow tree with branches low enough for the most timid of preschoolers to ascend, the babbling creek with such hidden treasures as crawdads and snails, and that first glimpse of the Rockies as a third grader. Each and every minuscule or majestic detail of nature called out to me. I didn't become well-acquainted with the Bible or Christianity until my mid-teens. Yet I had always known a Creator must exist. I never disagreed when the grade school texts gave credit to evolution, but I never bought it.

I didn't realize until years later that my heart-felt, childlike faith in a Creator was God Himself, tugging at my inmost being and calling out to me. When I first stumbled upon the above verses in Romans many years ago, the proverbial light bulb went off. YES - that was it! God had ever-so-gently been making Himself evident to me through His magnificent creation from the early days of my existence.

While my child-like faith developed into a deeply personal relationship with my Savior and Creator, countless others' throughout history have waned. Those early inklings of belief in the invisible attributes of God are often replaced with a respect and awe of "Mother Earth." Isn't that like feeling a deep respect and appreciation of the Canon in D, without acknowledging Pachelbel? 

Yesterday, I stood upon an overlook that gives a wonderful view of the Missouri River and bridge at Glasgow. My father drew and designed the plans for that small shelter and overlook many years ago. Is his name engraved upon it? No. Did the two bikers sharing a beer under the shelter yesterday feel the same connection with the designer that I did? Of course not - they had no idea who he was. Yet I suspect they appreciated the view, the shade from the sun, and a relaxing place to enjoy the cool breeze. Their lack of knowledge of the designer in no way lessened the fact that a designer existed. I stood there, enjoying the same view and fresh breeze...yet feeling more deeply connected and blessed for having known the one who dreamed up the idea of such a place. I got it - the entire, fully connected experience...so much richer than their fleeting, superficial moment.

When an outdoor enthusiast/author like Jeff Johnson says, "I’m drawn to the open country. It's where everything is clear, where the world makes the most sense. When I put myself out there I always return with something new. A friend once told me the best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask,” I can't help thinking he's ALMOST got it, he's almost found The Best Answer ever, without even knowing a question existed.

So many people have a deep love and respect for all that nature entails. I loved the new "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" movie, because of the way it clearly depicts that deep yearning within us for something more than just an 8 to 5 job; something more than this concrete, predictable life of sidewalks and office buildings. We yearn for relationships with other people and time to explore and appreciate fluid moments in nature, like the snow leopard's rare and momentary appearance. "Beautiful things don't ask for attention."

No, they don't; nor does He. One wise woman put it this way, many years ago, "God is a perfect gentleman." He doesn't force Himself into our lives. You will find no brass plaque at the base of the Himalayas, declaring, "The God of creation formed this!" Yet God's love and beauty surround us each and every day if we take the time to notice and search - to see Him standing there, like the Gentleman that He is, quietly holding the door open for us.

Fairness, Forgiveness...and Pineapples

Sisters...being sisters.

If we forgive a terrible wrong done to us, does that mean we have to like that person and continue our relationship as if nothing ever happened? Is it fair that they receive the benefits of eternity in heaven, if they've been downright nasty most of their life and then late in life accept a Savior who's willing to forgive them and give them eternal life? You mean they'll actually get a mansion - or a room - or whatever it might be - that's just as good as Billy Graham's or Jim Elliot's?

Those are just a sampling of various questions I've heard over the past month, and it's made me ponder. I've come away from it even more convinced in a truth I've held to for a long time now... 

I FIRMLY believe that how we live each and every day is being rewarded NOW. Sure - I get to go to heaven someday, all because of Jesus dying for our sins. None of us are good enough. Perhaps some people will end up getting a mansion and others an eco-friendly tiny house - or, perhaps we'll all get the exact same kind of apartment - it really doesn't matter that much. It shouldn't bother me that a former Gestapo gas chamber guard turned Christian ends up getting the rewards of heaven just like I will.

The rewards of living a faithful, Christian life - including forgiving those who've wronged us - come back to bless us right here and right now. Those people you know - who claim to be Christian but hypocritically treat others badly; lying and slandering and doing things we don't think Christians should do - THEY are the ones missing out. They are missing the blessing of having great relationships with others, because of the way they mistreat people. They are missing the blessing of the joy that's found in doing the best they can - a clear conscience that comes from knowing they've been truthful and treated others with respect. 

I really, really feel like God blesses us with an inner joy, peace and happiness right here and now that can truly and only be found when we're doing the best we can at living the way He wants us to live. Those "Christians" (and only God knows if they truly are Christians) who don't - I'm 99% sure they are not filled with joy, contentment and peace; and deep down they aren't very happy.

I may never be rich with money or possessions - I may not get a gold mansion in heaven - but I am extremely blessed and "rich" right now, knowing that God's ways are always best; knowing that there are blessings each and every day waiting for me if I choose to live in a way that pleases Him. For the most part, those blessings involve relationships with people. They are the "treasures in heaven" (Matt. 6:19-21) that I'm laying up. I can't take a nice car with me - I can't take my big house with me - but I can take people with me. They are ALWAYS worth investing in.

My daughter shared with me an awesome story about a missionary who was continually wronged by the people he was trying to minister to, and how he eventually came to genuinely love and forgive them anyway. It's called "The Pineapple Story":

The Pineapple Story, by Otto Koning

It's almost an hour long - but sooo worth the time it takes. It's full of truth...the basic truth that people are more important than things... yet it's also very honest and funny. ("I could be a real good missionary if it weren't for you people!!!" :-)

If you've watched "The God's Not Dead" movie, you might have looked at that atheist professor who is so mean and hateful towards God and towards Christians - watched him come to know Jesus right before he dies and thought, "That's not fair - he gets to go to heaven even though he lived so wrongly!"  

But who really got cheated there?  He did. 

He got cheated out of peace; out of wonderful, trusting and loving relationships; out of true happiness; out of so many blessings that result from living life here and now in a way that pleases God. Yup - he'll go to heaven just like you or I will; after all, it's only because of Jesus' sacrifice that ANY of us get to go. But will he have the joy of hearing God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" ? (Matt. 25:21)  Did he ever experience true joy and peace while on this earth?  That is worth SO very much - and it's something that most people don't experience unless they're sold out to God - like the young college guy in the movie. Yes - he suffered ridicule and lost his girlfriend because he did what he thought God wanted him to...but he also enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing a classmate turn his life over to Christ, made a new friend; and probably saved himself a lifetime of being married to a self-centered woman that wasn't very good for him anyway. We get so many blessings like that when we make the effort to live the way God wants us to - blessings that can't be measured in values of a gold house; but blessings just the same.

AND...we really and truly don't know what heaven will be like...the Bible doesn't tell us a lot. I've heard people say that God purposely didn't give us many details about heaven, because it's so incredible that if we knew more about it, we'd probably all be committing suicide so we could get there sooner! 

Who knows what God might have planned for us? The end of that Matthew 25:21 verse says, "You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"   Who knows what God might entrust us with in heaven, because we've chosen to be faithful to Him in big and little things while we were here on earth???!  I'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome, and full of joy - and we won't even notice if forgiven sinners who lived terribly most of their lives share it alongside us. 

Regardless - I know I've got a "rich" life right here and now, by following God's ways. Does it suck that someone who's treated me terribly seems to get by with it and suffer no visible consequences? Sure...but it's their loss, not mine.