How Do You Say Good-bye?

It's May, and I've been thinking about this post for several weeks now; perhaps even months.  Our third daughter, Lydia, is about to graduate high school and as usual I can't help but reflect a bit on this life altering event.  It happens to me as each child reaches this milestone in life - I have this almost overwhelming mixture of feelings.
There are feelings of pride in the wonderful young adult they've become, feelings of uncertainty as I wonder if 18 years were really enough time to teach them everything they needed to learn from me, and last but certainly not least - feelings of loss.  The loss of childhood and knowing that our family will once again never quite be the same.

I know it is a necessary "loss."  No one wants their child to remain child-like for a lifetime, living in their home and dependent upon them for the rest of their lives.  And yet any parent who raises a child to adulthood knows the feeling - this feeling that says, "Some aspect of your life is now over, never to return."  I realize that she's not moving away forever.  She'll come home for a weekend visit now and then; she'll be around during most holidays; she'll most likely even be back for weeks at a time during summer break.  But it will be different.

I won't wake up each morning to her cheery disposition; I won't hear all of her humorous 'blonde" moments; she won't be available at a moment's notice when I holler, "Lydia - I could use some help!"  Basically - she will now be a "visitor" more often than not...that is the cause of these feelings of loss that I'm experiencing.

This time, however, there are feelings that I've never experienced before - at least, not quite like this.  Feelings of loss and grief for her sake, and not knowing exactly how to help her deal with it.  Perhaps no one is ever really prepared to deal with it.  What is this event, this obstacle that I so desperately want to spare my child from enduring?  A certain good-bye that will need spoken very soon - a good-bye that will be one of the hardest of her lifetime.

Yes, she'll have the normal "good-byes" that each high school senior experiences - farewell to those favorite teachers and wonderful friends that have shared her life during the past few years, and emotional partings from sisters who are living their own life adventures in other states and countries.
Those all pale in comparison, however.  There is one good-bye that will very literally be a life-long farewell.  No weekend visits; no get-togethers over spring break; not even Facebook chats, text messages or phone calls lasting into the wee hours of the night.

Her life-long friend, Amanda, has been battling cancer for over three years now.  And although she is the toughest, most positive and steadfast fighter we've ever known...she is about to lose the fight.  Everyone who knows Amanda has no doubt that she's ultimately winning the battle, with all the saints and angels of heaven waiting to celebrate the victory with her. (I Cor. 15:55)  But those of us whose lives she's touched here on earth will be feeling a life-long loss.

Amanda and Lydia are closer than best friends, if that's possible.  I've never seen two people that share the kind of bond that these two girls share.

I could show you stacks of photos from their toddler years on up of these girls and all of their exuberance, fun and adventures.  Playing dress-up; being pirates or princesses, phantoms or fairies.  Looking lovely in their formal dresses, or unrecognizable in layers of mud.  Wearing hats or swords or jeans with holes in them or clown makeup or costumes from another century...depending on what mood they're in.
Paddling a canoe and toting a back-pack nearly as big as themselves.  Setting up a tent, blowing bubbles, riding a zip-line and making sand castles.  Ice skating, horseback riding, writing their names with sparklers and cuddling furry baby animals.  Playing pranks on sisters, whispering secrets that no one will ever know, and dreaming of castles and Prince Charming.

After all of that - after this lifetime of sharing laughter and heartache, dreams and realities, aspirations and disappointments - how do you say good-bye? 

Lydia had a song choice to make recently - a song to go along with her senior slide show.  A slide show summing up her first 18 years of life.  It ended up being a slide show with more pictures of her with Amanda than anyone else.  The song she chose to go with it is just a song from a movie soundtrack.  Yet, how appropriate for these girls who collect old LP albums of movie soundtracks, and who own CD's and mP3 players full of movie music.  The song, by Regina Spektor, is simply called "The Call"...and yet it somehow, in it's simplicity, begins to answer the question - how to say good-bye.
The last several lines of the song go like this:

Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's
Never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and
Follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say good-bye.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say good-bye....
Now we're back to the beginning,
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet.
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger,
'Til they're before your eyes.
You'll come back, when they call you,
No need to say good-bye.
You'll come back, when they call you,
No need to say good-bye.

Dearest little Lydia...I can't take away your pain - these harsh realities that an 18-year-old should not have to deal with.  But I do see some comforting truths in your song....

Yes - everything is changing, even to the point of feeling like a war is raging.  Unfortunately, that is life, and generations of people before you have dealt with the ecstasy and devastation that this life dishes out.  The horizon may look dark at the moment, but your friendship with Amanda has been, and will always be, a bright spot, a shining star in your life.  Amanda is an amazing gift and blessing in your life.  Few people ever have the opportunity to experience a friendship so rich.  Your memories are priceless gifts of that friendship.  Keep them "before your eyes," so that when your life is full of new friends who never had the opportunity to know Amanda, you can keep her memory strong and alive within you, and within them, by telling your stories.

Last but not least, some day there will be a new beginning..."you'll come back" to Amanda and your friendship will begin anew, in that eternal home that we're all longing for, that home of no more tears, pain or sorrow.  The only place where friendships are eternal, and where there truly is "no need to say good-bye," ever again.

The Lost Orienteering Guy

(For the record - I have the utmost and highest respect for my husband. I do my best never to criticize him in front of others, because for every finger I could point at him...there are four more that he could point right back at me if he so desired. So this little story is not meant to humiliate him in any way...he laughed about it himself, so I believe we can now all laugh along with him. :-)

It was a Friday afternoon in April. Our local homeschool co-op group had planned to take a field trip to Rock Bridge State Park for two purposes: orienteering and caving. One dad arranged the caving aspect, and Nate, being a very experienced orienteering person, volunteered to take care of that aspect.

Being too independent to line up a park ranger to teach something that he already knew how to do, he decided he'd take our three homescooled youngsters a little early and just try out a path from "A" to "B" and see how it worked, before he took 20+ homeschoolers on the route.

An hour and a half and four miles later...he was eating humble pie. Somehow the orienteering expert got disoriented. He never took the other kids out orienteering, because by the time he finally found his way back to where they had been waiting for an hour, it was time to go explore the cave.

Mind you, this is a man who NEVER gets lost. I, on the other hand, make a right turn, and moments later don't really know if I actually turned right or left, and of course I don't have a clue if I'm driving N,S,E or W. But Nate? He can take a back road one direction - veer onto several other back roads here and there as he comes to them - and end up exactly where he wanted to go, even if he's never been on any of those roads before.

Anyway, when he returned later that afternoon with three very dirty and tired children, I had to open my mouth and ask, "So, how'd the orienteering go?"

As if on cue, all three children exclaimed "We got lost!" and Nate said, "It didn't go."

I just laughed (oops) and then tried not to laugh, and then laughed even louder. All evening long I continued to get an occasional "giggle" over the situation.  And when daughter Jessie went surveying with him a few days later, and came in the house that night exclaiming, "I got lost today!" I couldn't help myself.  I had to say it:

"Well, I guess your dad taught you well."

Finding Your Purpose

A very good friend just called to ask me a question. Her daughter is graduating next month, and she's putting together a book of letters for her. Letters that are all written by people who have touched her daughter's life in some way, shape or form. She gave me a specific topic to write my letter about - she asked if I would share about finding purpose in life - hopefully, God's purpose. It didn't take long to write the letter, as I have some fresh, new personal insights on the subject. I don't know if they're worth sharing or not - but anyway, here they are. :-)

As I think about purpose – I find it almost unbelievable that I’m sitting here typing on a computer that was given to me for an actual paying job that I’ve now had for almost one year. Why is that unbelievable? As you know, I have just been a wife and mother my entire life. I shouldn’t say “just.” Being a wife and mother is an amazing task; challenging, fulfilling, complicated, extremely rewarding, frustrating, awe-inspiring, and so much more, all wrapped up into one "occupation." However, for most of my married life, that was my sole purpose. I loved it and didn’t regret it…but I also sometimes wondered if there wasn’t something more I could do; some other purpose God might have for me. Yet with homeschooling, I didn’t want to leave home to find out what that other purpose might possibly be. I didn’t want to turn my children over to someone else 40 or 50 hours a week so I could go seek some different purpose for my life. Thus I continued, day after day, week after week, year after year, doing my “wife and mother” job and doing my best to be content in it because I knew it was God’s purpose for me.

I whole-heartedly believe Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” I believe that taking a day at a time, doing and living the life God has for you, IS his purpose for your life! He doesn’t give us a 20 page report, or an outline – not even a rough draft! – of what our life will be like. He simply wants our faith and trust, day by day, so that he can make that path “straight” for us.
That’s why I’m amazed to be sitting at this particular computer, writing about this particular subject. About a year ago, the founder and executive director of Coyote Hill instant messaged me and simply asked if I’d be interested in doing some part-time work for Coyote Hill…all from my home, and all with software and a computer set-up that they would provide. Since they are a not-for-profit ministry, they receive nice items that are donated or sold to them at very reduced prices. So they had some very nice desktop publishing software (Photoshop CS4, InDesign CS4, etc), but no one in the office had time to learn it or make use of it for the ministry’s benefit. So now I actually get PAID to sit here at home and use this amazing software, update their website, create newsletters, emails and booklets to keep Coyote Hill in touch with their donors and to hopefully convince them to keep donating – and I absolutely love every minute of it! It’s incredible – I could not have chosen a more fulfilling job for myself if I had spent the past 20 years of my life working towards it. God just dumped it in my lap. It’s one of my biggest affirmations that God really does honor and bless us, when we stay faithful to doing what He wants us to do, day after day after day. A very wise person once said, “The best job for you is a job that you’d be willing to do for free if you had to.” That’s how my life has been…I am still doing the “wife and mother” job for no (earthly) pay – and I love my Coyote Hill job so much that I would do it for no pay, either, if it came to that. (Larry - you didn't hear that ;-)

Live a life that honors God and do what He puts before you to do each day, taking one day at a time…and you WILL find your purpose in life. I truly believe it's that simple.